Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD)

In searching for something that is lot of fun - I did not update my blog for sometime. Below is guest blog by my friend Sai Narayan.

 

10 out of 10 for satire. Read On! Smiles guaranteed. Happy Diwali/Happy Deepavali.

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In what could be called as the deal that could change the face of Indian economy,  The Times of India group has decided to venture into producing Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD) for United States of America and Europe. This came in the wake of an unfortunate event which led to a strong business idea.

Mr. Boman Adsaleswala from Mulund, the regional head sales of the TOI group was enjoying his usual cup of tea in the morning. He was standing in his balcony thinking of his next client meeting when an unidentified flying object (UFO) landed on his head. Minutes after the incident he fell unconscious and his family rushed him to the hospital. The doctors declared him to be in coma. Neither the family nor the Mumbai police could understand the reason of the incident. Family thought it could be due to the stress to achieve his sales target for the month. But it was quickly denounced by his colleagues saying during Diwali, advertisers mindlessly buy ad space leaving the sales team cooling their heels. On closer examination the doctors claimed that this happened because of a strong object that hit Mr. Adsaleswala on his head which led to coma.

While the family is still coming to terms with the shock, Mr. Adsaleswala’s son found a very heavy object in their balcony. While attempting to lift the object he fractured his hand. Neighbours called the BMC who airlifted the object and sent it to Mumbai police. Without wasting time, Mumbai police sent it to the forensic experts who claimed that it was the same object which inflicted coma upon Mr. Adsaleswala. On closer examination, the forensic experts found that the UFO was Diwali edition of the Times of India newspaper. The family is now all set to sue the group and hold the marketing and sales team responsible for the fate of Mr. Adsaleswala.

Undeterred by the allegations, TOI spokesperson blamed it on the advertisers who push them to increase the pages of the newspaper during this time - a mammoth 250 page newspaper. He said “the journalist and the edit team usually go on a long holiday (while that’s case round the year) during this time of the year.

When the leading NDTV journalist Darkha Butt contacted the local resident of Mulund area to know more about the facts – an avid reader of the TOI claimed that these days it takes him at least 15-20 mins to reach the front page. The distraught resident added that he is not surprised with this incident and said this could have happened to him. He now relies on the TOI mobile app instead.

Even the local gyms in Gurgaon have been affected due to this incident as most of the gyms use TOI as heavy weights. Customers refused to visit their gym following the incident ‘Ibb kay uthayga bhai’ said Billu Bodywala, a 31 year old body builder and gym owner from Gurgaon.

While the circulation of TOI has dipped in the Mulund area and in some other parts of the country, advertisers continue to buy real estate advertisement space in TOI. “We park all our marketing budgets during Diwali season, this is the time to advertise” roared a budding Brand Manager of a real estate firm. His enthusiasm has a solid foundation of inexperience.

Undeterred by the dip in circulation TOI Managing Director, Mr. Bhayneet Jain has in fact seized the opportunity to expand his business. He is all set to export unsold Diwali edition papers to US and to some parts of European countries as WMDs. A special delegate from USA visited India to test the WMDs under United Nations (UN) supervision. “This is pure gold” thundered the delegate who later showed regret of not having used this technology for the Abbottabad operation.

Sources reveal that a team of newspaper vendors are being formed from across the country. They will be sent on a secret mission to train the armed forces of US and European countries. 

The UPA government welcomed the deal as it will improve relations with the US and European markets and further improve chances of FDI. A special committee is being formed to name the WMDs after Rajiv Gandhi. (Considering 75% of the ad revenue comes from the UPA budget.)

As anticipated, BJP says they will not support this deal for reasons unknown to them. On probing, party spokesperson said Advaniji is chilling out in Goa and they will comment only when he returns.

While the country is divided on this new development- RAW agents are welcoming this deal saying “India is waging a psychological warfare on rest of the world by sending these mind numbing editions”. Others are happy that they no longer have to go through the ordeal of reading this paper anymore.

Bollywood is extremely happy with the deal saying this is their last hope to enter Hollywood. Considering the fact that ads occupy 70% of space and bollywood occupies 40% (10% of the ads are film promotions). This could be our last chance to enter the global arena after the attempts made by Mr. Anil Kapoor, says, Amod Mehra a trade analyst.

 

On the global front China, Japan and some motley Human rights organizations have approached the UN saying that the deal must be stopped at all cost as the TOI Diwali editions are more powerful than the nuclear bombs that were dropped in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. They beleive it is a threat to mankind.

News has just come in that Mr. Adsaleswala finally opened his eyes and is currently reading the Hindustan Times who have been quick to offer him a Job. Meanwhile Congress loyalists have announced a Rajiv Gandhi bravery award for Mr. Adsaleswala.