In searching for something that is lot of fun - I did not update my blog for sometime. Below is guest blog by my friend Sai Narayan.
10 out of 10 for satire. Read On! Smiles guaranteed. Happy Diwali/Happy Deepavali.
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In what could be
called as the deal that could change the face of Indian economy, The Times of India group has decided to venture
into producing Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD) for United States of America
and Europe. This came in the wake of an unfortunate event which led to a strong
business idea.
Mr. Boman
Adsaleswala from Mulund, the regional head sales of the TOI group was enjoying
his usual cup of tea in the morning. He was standing in his balcony thinking of
his next client meeting when an unidentified flying object (UFO) landed on his
head. Minutes after the incident he fell unconscious and his family rushed him
to the hospital. The doctors declared him to be in coma. Neither the family nor
the Mumbai police could understand the reason of the incident. Family thought
it could be due to the stress to achieve his sales target for the month. But it
was quickly denounced by his colleagues saying during Diwali, advertisers
mindlessly buy ad space leaving the sales team cooling their heels. On closer
examination the doctors claimed that this happened because of a strong object
that hit Mr. Adsaleswala on his head which led to coma.
While the family is still coming to terms with
the shock, Mr. Adsaleswala’s son found a very heavy object in their balcony. While attempting to lift the object he fractured his hand. Neighbours called the BMC
who airlifted the object and sent it to Mumbai police. Without wasting time, Mumbai police sent it to the forensic experts who claimed that it was the
same object which inflicted coma upon Mr. Adsaleswala. On closer examination,
the forensic experts found that the UFO was Diwali edition of
the Times of India newspaper. The family is now all set to sue the group and
hold the marketing and sales team responsible for the fate of Mr. Adsaleswala.
Undeterred by the allegations, TOI spokesperson blamed it on the advertisers who push
them to increase the pages of the newspaper during this time - a mammoth 250
page newspaper. He said “the journalist and the edit team usually go
on a long holiday (while that’s case round the year) during this time of the
year.
When the leading
NDTV journalist Darkha Butt contacted the local resident of Mulund area to know
more about the facts – an avid reader of the TOI claimed that these days it
takes him at least 15-20 mins to reach the front page. The distraught resident
added that he is not surprised with this incident and said this could have
happened to him. He now relies on the TOI mobile app instead.
Even the local
gyms in Gurgaon have been affected due to this incident as most of the gyms use
TOI as heavy weights. Customers refused to visit their gym following the
incident ‘Ibb kay uthayga bhai’ said Billu Bodywala, a 31 year old body
builder and gym owner from Gurgaon.
While the
circulation of TOI has dipped in the Mulund area and in some other parts of the
country, advertisers continue to buy real estate advertisement space in TOI. “We park all our marketing
budgets during Diwali season, this is the time to advertise” roared a
budding Brand Manager of a real estate firm. His enthusiasm has a solid foundation of inexperience.
Undeterred by
the dip in circulation TOI Managing Director, Mr. Bhayneet Jain has in fact
seized the opportunity to expand his business. He is all set to export unsold Diwali edition papers to US and to some parts of European countries as WMDs.
A special delegate from USA visited India to test the WMDs under United
Nations (UN) supervision. “This is pure gold” thundered the
delegate who later showed regret of not having used this technology for the Abbottabad
operation.
Sources reveal
that a team of newspaper vendors are being formed from across the country. They
will be sent on a secret mission to train the armed forces of US and European
countries.
The UPA
government welcomed the deal as it will improve relations with the US and
European markets and further improve chances of FDI. A special committee is
being formed to name the WMDs after Rajiv Gandhi. (Considering 75% of the
ad revenue comes from the UPA budget.)
As anticipated,
BJP says they will not support this deal for reasons unknown to them. On
probing, party spokesperson said Advaniji is chilling out in Goa and they will comment only when
he returns.
While the
country is divided on this new development- RAW agents are welcoming this deal
saying “India is waging a psychological warfare on rest of the world by sending
these mind numbing editions”. Others are happy
that they no longer have to go through the ordeal of reading this paper
anymore.
Bollywood is
extremely happy with the deal saying this is their last hope to enter Hollywood. Considering the fact that ads occupy 70% of space and bollywood occupies 40%
(10% of the ads are film promotions). This could be our last chance to enter the
global arena after the attempts made by Mr. Anil Kapoor, says, Amod
Mehra a trade analyst.
On the global
front China, Japan and some motley Human rights organizations have approached the UN
saying that the deal must be stopped at all cost as the TOI Diwali editions are more powerful than the nuclear bombs that
were dropped in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. They beleive it is a threat to mankind.
News has just
come in that Mr. Adsaleswala finally opened his eyes and is currently reading
the Hindustan Times who have been quick to offer him a Job. Meanwhile Congress loyalists
have announced a Rajiv Gandhi bravery award for Mr. Adsaleswala.
